Praises

Do I actively seek praises?

I feel like my life is one long struggle to keep proving myself. I have done so impressive stuff I admit, but I feel like I still could not get enough praises.

My parents are quiet people, and my mother in particular, seldom praise me. When I scored 269 in PSLE, much beyond expectations, there was no praise. She only said, I was so happy it felt like I just struck 4D. That is all. No mention of the amount of effort I put in. The 269 was definitely not by chance. Yet, she attributed my achievement to luck. She called and told all her friends, “My son like blind chicken that go pecking on the ground aimlessly and found a worm. By luck get 269 one”. Ok lor by luck lor. My first major achievement in life attributed to luck. I am worthless.

Since it was all luck and no effort, I assumed lady luck would always smile at me and when I was in The Chinese High School, I lost all interest in studying. Since I was lucky once, I can always be lucky again. That was what I thought. So by Sec 3, my result was terrible and my form teacher soon called for a private meeting with my parents to discuss my grades. So, because of this, insistence that my 269 was luck became fact, and my mother told her friends about how crappy I was. Never once was I ever praised for being able to go into The Chinese High School, the school that many wished their son to be in. My only praises came from random aunties at the supermarket with with primary school kid noticing me in my school uniform and then secretly gesturing to their son, “eh this is chinese high uniform”. Being a dumbfuck I am, I never felt happier.

Life goes on. Received praises for my skills in R/C offroad driving, received praises in R/C Drifting. Received praises in my IT skills. But to my mother, I feel like I am just a useless person whose any achievement boil down to luck. To her, I am just a “big fat kid” who should not cook the occasional instant noodle for supper, but must swallow down the nasty dinner even though I was full.

Praises. When can I get it from her?