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Someone just showed me one of the most beautiful piece of prose I have ever read on a blog. I’ve tried something like this before, but I always felt clumsy with words. The prose that I have just read had such elegance yet conveyed with crystal clear clarity what the writer felt. For some reason I found that I could relate to the prose as well, for perhaps I had experienced something similar. While we gain various things with the passage of time, something would inevitably be lost.

Nostalgia.

Some people combat that by moving ahead with broader and broader strides, but fate has it that doing so would give an even stronger sense of nostalgia when the pace breaks. And with the passage time, the effects of past decisions cascade and become irreversible. I wish that we are all living in the Matrix, for in that case we can always ask for a reset and try different difficulties.

Life is too short to try everything. Which is why I have tried to do so much and learnt so much. But there are some things in life that can’t be changed for the sake of diversity or novelty. Sentiments and emotions are binding threads that hinders all that. If only I am not human. But what then would become of an inhuman me? Stuck in an infinite loop.

Recently things are sliding off their proper places. I felt like I was losing control. I know my own limits and capabilities. Yet often people thought of me as something more. With the recent string of failures, I start to doubt myself. Did i over-estimate my own abilities? Am I pushing myself too hard to be the person I hope to be, although I know deep down I am not that person.

I often think of life as a game of chess. Yet in recent weeks I had made many wrong moves that brings chaos to my long term goal. Nothing is predictable now. My direction keeps changing. False hopes. Self-delusional dreams. Enough of that.

Should I still aspire to be different? Or should just be another soulless drone in this sad excuse of a society.

Am I living in a shadow of my past success?