Radio Controlled

I’ve been playing radio controlled alot recently.

At first I thought it was because I can’t afford the time to do it when school reopens, but pondering further, I realize that when I play, my full concentration is on the car, allowing me to forget about other worries. Guiding the car through the track as fast as possible also gives me some sort of mini adrenaline rush.. Feeling is shiok..

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I haven’t been able to exercise my creativity recently. And ever since army I felt I have not been productive or creative. Is it a sign of age? An aging brain trades creativity and capacity to learn for maturity. Its scientifically proven. But I am still really childish and immature. So where does this put me? I have absolutely no idea.

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I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that despite knowing so many who are better than me, it is perfectly alright. I often feel worthless when encountering people better than me. Which is why I try my best in the things I do. But sometimes you are just limited by your mental capacity. Many who had worked with me say that I am smart. But am I really? I think I have just average smartness, but slightly stronger power of concentration. Much like how a harmless beam of light can be focused by a lens to light a match. But when I focus on one thing, I neglect many other things. Maybe I am just not talented enough to stay in the race for the best.

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Because of how exposure to those who are better than me will kill me, I detest competition. Yet, by a cruel turn of fate, I have to take part in CodeXtremeApp 2010, knowing very well my own limits. I hope this experience will not throw me into another round of emo and depression, much like how NOI 2006 did to me.